A few things I've leared since becoming a parent that really don't help me in everyday life but are kind of important mommy things to know:
1. There is no such thing as a leak-proof sippy-cup. I don't care if it DOES come with a guarantee. That sucker is gonna leak and there's nothing you can do about it. It's chances of leaking increase exponentially if you put something red in there.
2. If you cannot find pacifiers anywhere, they are all hiding under the crib. That's where pacies go to hide from their horrible masters. After everyone's asleep they have paci parties under there but don't bother trying to attend one. I hear the punch sucks.
3. Babies wait to poop in a fresh diaper. If you've just changed them, they will poop in it. Even if you think they've just pooped so it's safe to change them, they are always saving a little bit for the next diaper. I'm convinced that this is some sort of conspiracy just to remind us who's really in charge.
4. Legos are lethal weapons. I'm not kidding. The CIA should really look into this. Need to assassinate Qaddafi and make it look like an accident? Give his kid some Legos. When Q gets up for a drink of water in the middle of the night, WHAMO! He'll never know what hit him. This also works with toy cars and jacks.
5. Kids never ask stupid questions during commercials. They always wait until NCIS has come back on to start asking if I'm going to buy an Eggie because they make perfect hard-boiled eggs quickly and easily. Did you know the Eggie Slicer (free with purchase if you pay extra shipping and handling) makes perfect slices every time? No? Well, watch TV with my 5-year old son and you'll soon be introduced to all manner of useless bits of information that can be gleaned from infomercials.
6. They are neither hungry nor thirsty until bed-time. It doesn't matter if it's 2 am. If you say it's bed-time, they will suddenly be hit with a raging thirst that is only rivaled in the Sahara Desert. No amount of water will assuage this thirst.
7. Kids can be bought. If I have to take my 5-year-old to the store, I promise him a trip to Bahama Bucks for shaved ice afterward if he's good. I've decided this is rewarding rather than bribery. I'm good at the store because I would be embarrassed by the comments and stares of other shoppers if I weren't. Therefore, tricking the other shoppers into thinking that I'm somewhat normal is its own reward. Kids don't embarrass that easily so Bahama Bucks it is.
8. "Eating you out of house and home" doesn't just happen to parents of teens. My son can plow through three turkey sandwiches and still claim hunger. I shudder to think what our grocery bill is going to look like when he's 16. My father-in-law jokes that we'll just have it delivered by 18-wheelers.
9. Children must be deprogrammed every time they go to grandparents' houses. This is not something you can escape. I think my parents take great joy in spoiling my kids and then snicker to themselves when they send the little monst... children back to me all hyped up on sugar (that my mom wouldn't even let in our house when I was a kid) and useless toys. The baby thinks she needs to be held 24/7 and the boy thinks he gets a toy every time we go to the store. It takes a week at least to get all of that conditioning programmed out of them. Then it's just time for them to go to the grandparents' house again. It's never-ending.
10. You don't get to take vacations with kids. Any parent will tell you this. A journey with a child is not a vacation. It's a trip. You will not get home and feel refreshed. You will get home and beg to go back to your job because travelling with children is ten times harder. God help you if you forget to take Blankie or Moose or Pink Kitty. Even if you do, your kids won't sleep in a hotel and strapping kids into a car for 8 hours is really just the height of stupidity but we do it anyway.
I think God designed kids to remind us that we really are NOT in control as much as we'd like to think.
Montana Mountain Views
Taken in the Bitteroot Valley, MT
