Bad...

So my husband and I had a fight today.  Not a knock-down-drag-out yelling-at-each-other-and-throwing-things fight but it was a definite argument.  It all boiled down to his usual irritation with my inability to keep a museum-clean house.  He fell short of accusing me of being a bad wife and mother but it was implied.  He did come right out and admit that he thinks I sit at home and do nothing all day or the house would be cleaner.  Apparently he's been waiting for me to shape up for our entire marriage.  He "let" me be a stay-at-home-mom and now I haven't come through with what he views as my end of the bargain.  When I protested that there's a lot to do as a stay-at-home-mom, he retorted that this is what I asked for when I wanted to stay home.  At that point I shut up because I just didn't know what to say.

At first I was very offended and upset.  Now, I've realized that he was partially justified.  He's absolutely right.  I don't keep a clean house and if that's his definition of a good wife, then he's getting shortchanged. He's also right that he's been asking for this since we got married and I haven't been able to deliver.  For my husband, I'm not a good wife and, by extension, not a good mother and I don't know how to change it.  My husband is unhappy in our marriage and I know it and still can't seem to make myself a better housekeeper.  Maybe a good start would be to get off of here and go clean my kitchen.

So Mad

I'm so angry right now I'm shaking and I don't know what to do.  Usually, I would talk to one of my friends who are pretty good at calming me down but it's Christmas eve and people will be spending that time with their families and they don't need to be brought down by my spewed bad mood.  Christmas eve.  There's the rub.  I had these expectations that we would be this happy family instead of the farce of an excuse for a family that we usually are.

My husband loves to play cards and he goes to this particular card shop.  Lately I've been getting more and more frustrated with this hobby as it's two nights a week (at least) that he does this.  Cards are starting to feel increasingly like the "other woman."  Attempts to communicate this to said husband have been met with a shrug at best.

This card shop has been planning some sort of tournament on Christmas eve for some time.  My husband told me that he chuckled when it was announced and told his friends that cards on Christmas eve was either for losers with no family or men who want a divorce.  ha ha.  Very funny.  Guess where my husband is.

He broached the subject earlier today with "How 'bout if I take Conner out for a while and get him out of your hair?"  Blatant manipulation if I've ever heard it. Conner was nowhere near my hair.  I said something like "What are you talking about?"  He then admitted that he'd go to the card shop and take Conner with him.  I responded with, "Seriously? You're going to leave your family on Christmas eve?"  He sulked for the rest of the day because I was laying guilt trips.

He left a few hours later to go to the bank and he's still gone.  aaaarrrrgh!