Kalen's Story

We'd been talking for a little while about having another baby.  By talking I mean I kept saying, "Let's have another one." and Lee kept saying, "Why?  We're finally at the point where he goes to the bathroom by himself and he dresses himself ... I don't want to change diapers again."  He finally agreed and we decided we'd start trying in August and see what happened.

This was probably not the best time to get pregnant from a work standpoint.  The stress of starting a new school year can be intense and this was my first year to teach science rather than special education so there was a lot of new stuff.  I don't handle new stuff well even when I'm at my best. Plus, everybody knows it's harder to get pregnant when you're stressed, right?  Well, not for us apparently.  Just like with Conner, the first month we tried to get pregnant we got pregnant.  As Lee's dad likes to say, "Lee's boys can swim on command."  I shudder to think how many kids we'd have by now if we hadn't used birth control all these years.

I found out I was pregnant by peeing on the stick on Labor Day.  I didn't quite catch the slight irony there until later.  It would have been even funnier if I had gone into labor that day but what are you gonna do?  I knew that I wanted to go with a midwife again for this birth and I was kicking around the idea of having this baby at home.  After giving birth at the birth center last time, I realized that it was just having the baby in someone else's home.  Better than a hospital for me but still not quite what I wanted.

Of course, I did my research.  The statistics are good for low-risk pregnancies and midwife assisted home-births.  I wasn't crazy enough to try one of those planned solo births.  I timed how long it took to get to the nearest emergency room if the need arose (less than 10 minutes) and decided to start interviewing midwives.

I didn't really feel comfortable with the midwife I had used with Conner because of the whole not listening to my wishes during Conner's birth thing.  Plus she was a pretty fur piece away from our house and the traffic on 75 is brutal.  The final straw for me was when I went in for my 6-week postpartum followup appointment and she thought my name was Jo-Anne.  Not really the kind of personal experience you expect from a midwife.

I prayed about it and decided to try a birth center in Garland that was much closer to my house.  I checked out their website first, of course, and found that they offered the option of  home birth.  They stated that they brought all of the equipment  to your house that you'd have access to at the birthcenter.  I emailed them and made the appointment to go meet them and get a feel for the place and the people.  I instantly felt comfortable and at home.  I had found my new midwives.  Robin and Joyce were a gift from God.

I couldn't have been happier with the level of care and personal attention that I got from our new birth center.  We went ahead with plans for a home birth (incidentally two of my friends from church were pregnant at the same time and all three of us were able to have home births.)  Strangely enough, Robin and Joyce didn't seem to have a hard time remembering that my name was not Jo-Anne.

As my due date got closer, I was getting more and more miserable.  The baby was carrying all out front.  When I was 9 months pregnant you couldn't tell I was even preggo from the back. Needless to say, my lower back was yelling at me a lot.  Other than some low iron that I was able to bring up with more supplements and some extra spinach salads, everything was medically going well.  We found out we were having a little girl and decided to name her Kalen Elizabeth. Then the midwife started getting concerned about my blood pressure by early April and it was slowly getting higher with each appointment.  By the time we were two weeks away from my due date, she put my on modified bed-rest.

I had to stop working and be in bed for an hour in the morning and two hours every afternoon.  I followed the rules for about a week and my blood pressure was back down to safe levels.  Joyce said something like "I think you just needed to stay home."  I wanted to make some smart-alek crack about how she'd have high blood pressure, too, if she had to deal with my fourth period class but I think I refrained.  I don't remember for sure.  My filters were not working so well by then.

My parents flew into town about a week before I was due. I was a little paranoid about going out to eat with them after what happened when I went into labor with Conner but this time it didn't seem to matter.  I walked  as much as my poor aching feet could stand.  I massaged my ankles.  I ate spicy food.  Still no dice.  Four days before my due date my midwife stripped my membranes a little bit just to get things going if the baby was ready.  It seemed like had more energy that day but I was afraid to hope.  I walked as much as I could even when it was pouring down rain.  By walked I actually mean waddled but you get the drift.

At four o'clock the next morning a contraction woke me up and, of course, I immediately had to pee.  At this point in the pregnancy it took an act of congress and a battalion of the Army Corps of Engineers just to turn over in bed so the idea of actually getting up was a huge undertaking.  I levered myself off the mattress and onto my only slightly swollen feet only to feel that same tearing/breaking feel and the trickle of warm water I had felt with Conner's birth.  I waddled my way to the bathroom as quickly as my enormous stomach and complaining bladder would allow. Once the bladder was silenced, I grabbed my cell phone and called my midwife from the bathroom.

"I don't know what you did to me in your office yesterday but it worked.  My water just broke."

"Your kidding."  she replied.  "I'm here in the birth center with a first-time mom who just went into labor, too."

I told her not to worry about it for a while.  I was doing okay and my contractions weren't bad yet.  She said to call back when they got strong and closer together.  I walked around the bathroom a bit and then hobbled out to the garage to turn up the hot water heater for the birthing tub.  (I was planning to try a water birth.)  Nobody else was awake yet because I just didn't see the point in waking them up when there wasn't really anything they could do anyway.  I wandered back to do some more walking back and forth in our bathroom with easy to clean floors.

About 5 o'clock the contractions got bad enough that I had to stop walking and breathe through them.  I called the midwife back and told her they were starting to get stronger and I was going to need her soon.  I woke up Lee and he got up and got dressed.  It was all so very calm.  Nothing like the racing around and backing the family car over garbage cans to race to the hospital that you see on commercials.

At about 5:45 Joyce arrived with all of the "stuff."  She checked my progress and I was about 5 cm.  My contractions got bad enough that I had to really concentrate.    Fifteen minutes later they got bad enough that I couldn't concentrate.  I remember some part of my brain thinking how fast this was going.  I barely had time to catch my breath between contractions before another one would start.  When I was in labor with Conner I was able to go to my place where pain was the calm ocean and I was floating on top.  When I was in labor with Kalen the pain was a tsunami that pounded me into a coral reef and stole my breath and I didn't know which way was up.  Then my poor unsuspecting husband walked up to me and touched my back right in the middle of the pain-tsunami.  I kept my voice as level as I could and ground out, "Don't touch me please."  He took the hint and walked away.

While I was being pounded into the bottom of the pain ocean, my mom and Lee were trying to get the birthing tub blown up and lined and filled up with warm water while Joyce got out all of her midwife stuff.  Mom and Lee kept arguing about the best way to get the tub blown up and I was about to let loose with a whole string of cuss words about how I didn't care how it was done as long as it was done NOW.  Luckily for them the tsunami still had all my breath so I couldn't really yell at anybody right then.

They finally got it blown up and I climbed right in while they were still filling it with water.  I was still wearing the tee shirt I had worn to bed and I didn't even care.  I remembered the instant relief I felt in the warm water when I was in labor with Conner and I had been really looking forward to it.  Kalen had taken after her brother and was sunny-side-up as well and I wasn't looking forward to that pushing experience again.  One top of all that, the back labor was not much fun.  I did feel better pretty quickly and the tub got filled up quicker with me in it.  That's displacement at work, folks.

I got about 10 minutes of relief before the contractions started coming faster until they were right on top of each other.  With one contraction I felt Kalen turn a little bit and with the next she turn all the way so she was faceing the correct way (anterior?  posterior?  I can never remember which one it's supposed to be.)  I don't know how I knew that but I just did.

With the next contraction I felt instantly like I MUST push.  There was no pushing "urge" or thinking I might need to push.  My body just did it.  It was completely involuntary - like a sneeze.  Joyce tried to tell me to slow down so I didn't tear and all I could do was scream, "I CAN'T."  I tried really hard to pant and blow and all that junk and my body just refused.  I'm not sure how long I pushed but it seemed like only 5 or 10 minutes before I had her in my arms.  My 9-pound 8-ounce baby girl came in a grand total of two and a half hours.

Having her at home was the best thing ever.  It didn't feel like a medical event.  It was a family event and she was welcomed into her family and her home at the same time.  I realize this wouldn't be the best thing for everybody and some people probably should not do it this way if there are problems with the pregnancy and what-not but I'm so happy that we were blessed with this experience.  (The fact that it only took 2 and half hours doesn't suck, either.)

Conner's Birth Story (and it's a long one)

I have decided that it was time to write down my kids' birth stories before I get too old and forget.  So, here goes Conner's:  (spoiler alert:  It might be a little TMI for the faint of heart.)

We couldn't afford birth control for a couple of months what with Christmas break and all the bills that go along with it.  I must say that I was not super-disappointed by this as I had been lobbying for kids for years but my beloved husband kept saying things like, "Have you seen my sister?  Why would you deliberately do that to yourself?"  My sister-in-law was miserable when she was pregnant.  I saw that but I also saw her beloved little babies and darnit,  I wanted one.  Well, suffice it to say, when we were into the second month of no birth control, we were somewhat less than careful.  (Which means that we had not an ounce of prevention whatsoever for something for which there is no cure.)  ;)

Well, I found out I was pregnant and that my insurance did not cover pregnancies on the same day.  Lucky me.  I wasn't worried at first because I knew that my teaching job would kick in in August and I'd have insurance by the end of August.  I wasn't due until November so no big deal, right?  I called my doctor and she handed me the cup and I dutifully peed in it.  They did something mysterious in the lab and confirmed that, yes indeed, I was pregnant.  She recommended a great OBGYN that delivered all of her babies and she just loved her.

Here's where the story takes a turn.  I found out that OBGYN's are expensive and they don't see you on the promise that you'll someday have insurance.  No sirree they want to be paid upfront.  All $5,000 of it that they would graciously allow me to split into two payments.  We were in that weird spot in the middle where we made too much money to get help and not enough money to pay for anything by ourselves.  After calling around, someone at one of the places that said they couldn't help me suggested that I see a midwife until my insurance came through.

Huh.  A midwife.  The more I thought about the idea, the more I liked it.  I've always kind of leaned a little in the granola direction anyway so that actually held a kind of appeal for me.  Of course, being me, I had to do some research and found all of the stats showing that midwives are just as safe as hospitals etc. for low-risk pregnancies.  I talked it over with Lee for about two seconds and he kind of said, "It's your body so if that's what makes you comfortable, I'm cool with it."  (Lee has slowly started leaning a little in the granola direction, too.  The longer he's married to me, the more he leans.) So the upshot of it all is that I found out I was pregnant by peeing on the stick on Tuesday and by Friday I was touring the birth center that Lee's step-sister had used.

It was perfect for what I wanted.  It was an old Victorian home with a jetted tub and four poster bed and it was about a block from Baylor Medical Center and all of the shiny expensive equipment in case something went wrong.  I was concerned about that with this being my first pregnancy and frankly, the lack of pain medications (hereafter known as "drugs") scared me since I'd always considered myself a wimp about pain.

I got appointments starting at 8 weeks into my pregnancy and heard the heartbeat for the first time.  We went to childbirth classes once a week for 8 weeks and learned how to manage pain and what to expect in labor.  We made easy monthly payments until my insurance kicked in.  The whole idea of changing over to an OBGYN now that I had insurance never even entered my mind.  The childbirth classes had fully converted Lee over to the idea of a natural child-birth.  On the surface I was gung-ho but inside I was scared.  What if I couldn't do it?  What if the pain was just too much for me and I lost it?  What if I decided to waddle a block over to Baylor and demand that they "give me drugs stat!"?

By the time I got to 38 weeks or so I just didn't care anymore.  I just wanted it to be over.  I don't remember doing this but Lee said on the weekend before I gave birth I jumped up and down in the middle of our living room, glared at my protruding stomach and yelled, "Get out, get out, get OUT!"  It's kind of funny now but I don't remember laughing much at the time.  I was so huge I was sure I was going to go into labor early because surely I just couldn't last much longer.  That was dangerous thinking and someone should have warned me against it.  I had somehow decided that I would go into labor a week early.  When that ridiculously pie-in-the-sky I-must-have-been-dreaming due-date came and went I went into an emotional tailspin.  I was still working at this point teaching special education resource classes to some of the most wonderful children on earth and some who were... not so wonderful.  A week before my real due-date I called my long-term sub in and just started taking sick days.  I couldn't handle it anymore.

My due date approached and finally dawned with still no baby.  I picked my parents up at the airport and just resigned myself to being pregnant forever.  We went out to eat that night at a burger joint because by this time I had long given up on eating nutritious meals and just ate whatever tasted good.  We all stuffed ourselves to the point of being miserable and decided to go.

As I climbed out of the booth behind my husband I felt like something broke or tore inside and a trickle ran down my leg.  Yes, that's right ladies and gents I went into labor on my due date and my water not only broke before I went into labor (apparently that only happens about 20% of the time) but it happened in a public place. I should be on a sitcom. Unfortunately there was no handy jar of pickles sitting on the table at Red Robin.  I was mildly embarrassed but was so glad that I was finally going to have my baby that it passed pretty quickly.

I immediately called my best friend, Carol, to inform her that I had gone into labor (she also went into labor on her due date because we are just anal retentive prompt like that.)  I called the midwife once I got home and let her know that my water had broken but I wasn't having any real contractions yet.  She wanted to make sure that my labor got going since my water had broken so she suggested nipple stimulation.  I got off the phone and informed my husband about his chance to help the cause.  Ordinarily, he would have jumped at the opportunity but I think my parents being in the house made him shy.  :)  He did his part and 30 minutes later I was no longer wondering what real contractions felt like.

We got to the birth center and they checked to see how far along I was and then sent me to walk around the park for an hour.  I was at 4 cm dilated when we got there and after an excruciating hour of waddling around and around the park next door I was 5 cm.  I was ready to scream and throw things.  Surely all the walking should have accomplished more than that!!!

I was having back labor which I've heard is very painful.  I don't know if it's more painful than regular labor because both of my labors were back labor so I have no point of comparison.  I just remember going deep inside myself and finding areas of strength that I never knew were there.  I went to my place where pain was a quiet ocean and I just floated peacefully on top of it.  I visualized a valve in my feet and the pain just ran like water through my legs and out the valve.  I concentrated on nothing more than my next breath while I sang praise songs in my head. Between contractions I just tried to relax before the next one.

I finally asked if I could get in the bathtub. I sat in the tub of warm water and felt instant relief.  The water seemed to support and relax tight muscles and felt like heaven.  I still had to go to my happy place and open the pain valve in my feet but I didn't have to work at it so hard. I actually fell asleep and napped between contractions  Just when I was starting to think, "Ok.  I can do this.  It's obviously going to get much worse because this isn't so bad" it got worse.

Suddenly the pain was all new again and I was shaking and couldn't catch my breath and my contractions were no longer a silent ocean.  I yelled.  I moaned.  I roared.  Somehow it seemed to make it feel better to vocalize and boy did I vocalize.  Drugs started sounding REALLY good.  To hell with this natural childbirth crap.  Thank God for childbirth classes.  Because I'd dragged myself and Lee to 8 weeks of class, I knew to recognize the signs of transition and what it meant.  I could live through this pain because that meant that it was almost over.  I was almost there. If I survived just a little while longer the pain would be over.

The midwife came in and checked my progress again and, while she was getting her gloves on, casually asked if I felt like I might need to have a bowel movement .  I said, yes and she looked shocked.  "How long has this been going on?"  I couldn't answer her because time had really ceased to have meaning for me.  It was just about getting through the next contraction at that point.  She checked me and found that I had progressed from 5 cm to 10 cm in two hours and I'm putting the responsibility for that square on that lovely tub of hot water. It was finally time to push.

This was a new hell.  The midwife decided that I needed to squat to push.  She stated that first-time moms always hate to do this but I had to.  I gave it the old college try a couple of times and tried to tell her that it didn't feel right and this wasn't working.  She insisted I keep going.  In between contractions while I was resting on the floor I heard the midwife tell the birthing assistant to go inform my family that it would be another two hours.  In my head I thought, "Like hell.  I'm not doing this for another two hours.  You have another think coming lady."  I again tried to get out of pushing in a squat position but she kept saying no, I had to keep trying. Now, here's where the me who lives in the present looks at the past me and wonders why I wasn't more insistent.  I knew what was going on in my body and I knew that all of this effort wasn't getting the job done but I still didn't stand up to her.  To this day, I'm not sure why.  I guess it was because this was my first baby and I really did think that maybe I just didn't know what was going on.

After what seemed like an eternity,  I said again that this didn't feel right to me.  It felt like the baby was stuck and I didn't have energy for much more of this.  Eventually the midwife agreed to "let" me prop myself up in bed and push that way for a while.  Instantly I felt like this was working.  Conner was coming out sunny-side up so even though he was head down, he was facing the wrong way.  I think that perhaps this was why it felt like he was "stuck."  The new way of pushing might have just moved angles the right way so he moved into the birth canal easier.  I don't know.  After 5 hours of labor and  45 minutes of pushing and getting nowhere, I pushed my beautiful 8-pound-14-ounce boy into the world by sitting up on the bed like I'd wanted to do all along.

They placed him on my stomach and I looked down at his little face and said, "Hi McNugget."  We'd nicknamed him that before we knew if he was a boy or a girl and it kind of stuck.  To this day we often call him Nuggy or Nugget or Nuggetdoo or some other variation of the original "McNugget."  He moved his head toward the sound of my voice and looked up at me with his eyes open so wide and we just stared at each other for seemingly endless moments.  I can't even describe to you my feelings in those moments.  Probably the closest I could come would be to call it awe.   I was completely in awe of this little miracle.

Eventually Lee got to cut the cord and they wrapped him up and I held him while Lee held both of us.  He pushed my hair back and kissed my forehead and said, "You're so beautiful." and I knew he was lying because I looked like a hot mess but it made me all squishy inside just the same.

Within a couple of hours after I fainted in the shower, got tears sewn up and had to get catheterized (fun experience, that one) we got to go home with our new baby.  No three-day hospital wait or anything.   I looked down that afternoon and my feet weren't swollen for the first time in months.  Lee took Conner to the pediatrician where they pronounced him perfect with not a thing wrong with him and the adventure began.  Five years later I still can hardly believe that God has blessed me with such a wonderful little boy.

Conflicted

I woke up this morning to the news that Osama Bin Laden has been killed by Navy Seals as he hid in a million-dollar luxury compound a virtual stone's throw from the capitol city of our supposed allies in the war against terror.  There are so many emotions flowing through me right now that I almost can't get a good sense of what I'm feeling at any given moment.

My first instinct is "Heck yeah!  Take THAT you big jerk.  Enjoy your virgins you misogynistic bastard!"  But that didn't last long.  I just can't help but feel like there isn't rejoicing in Heaven right now.  As cruel and downright evil as Osama was, he was still a child of God and if God never gives up on me, he certainly would not have given up on Bin Laden, either.  I'm not sad that he's gone but I'm not really celebrating.

I'm also incredibly proud of the Navy Seals who went into the compound and managed to take him out without a single injury to U.S. forces.  That just speaks to the training and bravery of the people for whom violence is their job.  Not fun. I get the feeling that this has been a pretty frustrating 10 years for them. They've got to be feeling pretty good this morning.

It's entered my mind that the Obama administration has, so far, handled this situation pretty well.  It was smart not to try to capture him.  Just kill him and let people get on with life.  Don't waste money on a long drawn-out trial and media circus when the whole world knows he's at fault.  They buried the body at sea quickly so it can't turn into a shrine for extremists and it's all done and over with.  I feel like that was a smart way to handle it.

I also think about people who lost loved ones in the 9/11 attacks.  Does this bring closure or does it just tear off the scab?  I don't know.  I can't put myself in their place.  I've never lost a spouse or child in a terrorist attack so I just don't have a perspective on what they must be going through today.

Apparently a woman was killed in the compound because she was used as a human shield.  I guess that demonstrates pretty plainly how Osama and his ilk valued women.  How must the soldier who had to shoot her be feeling right now? I'm so glad that I serve a God who sees me as a beloved daughter and the apple of his eye rather than as a sexual reward for some man.

People are saying justice has been done.  I just feel slightly... stuck.  Was it really justice?  Justice, in my opinion, would be to take the billions of dollars that Osama had squirreled away and give it to the families of the firefighters killed on 9/11 who lost a breadwinner.  Give it to the families of soldiers killed in the last 10 years who lost a father or mother or child.  Give it to the families of people in the twin towers who were minding their own business and going to work on what they thought was a regular day until a plane crashed into their building.  Give it to the families of people who went to the Pentagon in Virginia that day just doing their jobs and going about their routines only to be suddenly surrounded by fire and terror.  Give it to the families of the brave people who crashed their plane in a field rather than let someone else be harmed.  I don't think it was really justice so much as a warning.  This is kind of a "Don't Tread on Me" flag.  "If you attack us, we will hunt you down and make you pay.  It might take almost 10 years but we'll eventually get you and you will never feel completely safe again."  While I feel that Osama's death was necessary, I don't really get the release that I usually feel when justice has been done.

I wonder what terror Osama had in the works that will never come to fruition.  How many lives were possibly saved by his death?  Only God knows, I guess, but I can't help but think about it.

As I said, my head is spinning this morning.  I think I'll get on the treadmill for a while.