A Few Good Men

I overheard a conversation a while back (I do that a lot because I seem to be inherently nosy) in which a couple of women were discussing a friend's husband in not-so-glowing terminology.  A third woman piped in, "Well, what do ya want?  He doesn't beat on Lisa or the kids, he holds down a job and as far as we know, he's never cheated on her."  It started my brain down one of those mental paths I go on every now and then that takes a while to get back.  What is a good man?  Has the idea of "a good man" really deteriorated to the point that the best we can expect for a husband is a job-holding no-beating probably-non-cheater?

I refuse to believe it.  Surely there is more to a good man than that. 

So, again, what is a good man?  Obviously he wouldn't beat on his wife and kids and he'd provide for his family and the no-cheating component is a no-brainer.  However, I can't help but think those things are really the bare minimum.  Non-beating no-cheating job-holders get skinned in divorce settlements every day.  Why?  What more are we really expecting?

Good Man Requirements

1.  Integrity  I don't know about every woman out there but I've got to be able to respect my man and a man with no integrity is pretty darned hard to respect.  If he's a man who is siphoning money from his employer or cheating on the taxes and buying things for free at Target with stacked coupons only to immediately return them for cash he's a man without integrity in my book.

2.  Speak Life  Back me up here ladies:  We will do just about anything for a man who makes us feel treasured.  Love is spoken in many different ways so figure out how your wife, kids or friends need love and give it to them. It can be in the form of compliments, a simple touch, a look, a smile, a gift, you name it.  Some ways to subtract from this bank account of love is to make your wife, friends or children feel diminished, unimportant or unappreciated.  This might be in the form of words, a touch, a look or just plain lack of attention.

3.  Listen  I know we harp on this a lot but that's because it's important and we have to keep harping on it because so many men don't do it.  There are few things that will make a woman feel more minimized than a husband who tunes out his wife when she speaks.  Granted, sometimes we could find better timing but that's a whole other blog.

4.  Don't give us a reason NOT to trust you Last year, I was at a block party wherein our neighbor, Bob (name changed to protect the guilty,) had a few too many beers and made an inappropriate suggestion to me right in front of my husband and his wife.  My husband responded, in that way that men have of sounding like they are joking when they really aren't, that if Bob followed up on that suggestion, the next sound he'd hear would be a shotgun cocking.  Everyone laughed, Bob backed down and the party went on.  I couldn't help but think about how incredibly insulting this was to his wife.  What kind of man propositions another woman right in front of his wife?! An about to be divorced one, apparently.  Bob's wife has now left him and taken their son with her.

I don't know for sure whether Bob ever cheated on his wife.  Maybe he started propositioning women who weren't right in front of their husbands and eventually got lucky.  Maybe he never went past the flirtation.  I don't know.  I do know that what Bob did was the epitome of disrespect not only to me and my husband but especially to his wife.  If I were in her position and my husband were flirting with another woman, I'd have to wonder if this ever went anywhere when he was out of my presence.  A husband who flirts with other women, even if he thinks it's all in fun, isn't laying a foundation of trust for his wife.

5.  Apologize  We don't expect men to be perfect.  We'd like it if they were but we know better.  It sounds so simple but it's important.  Don't just come downstairs the next day and pretend that everything's fine and try to just move on with life.  When you screw up (and you will, it's a given) apologize.  It won't kill you, I promise.

6.  Engage  No I'm not quoting Captain Picard.  When you are home, be truly with your family.  Your mere presence in the house is not enough.  Not that you shouldn't have some time to yourself.  Everyone needs a little alone time and we understand this but it shouldn't be ALL your time.  If you find yourself spending most of your time at home watching TV or trolling eBay your family is being shortchanged.  Make an effort to find something you can do together.  Go for a walk, play soccer in the backyard, ride bikes, play baseball, play Chutes and Ladders or Candyland.  It doesn't matter what you do so much as doing it with your family.  Don't underestimate for a second how much that time means to your wife and kids.


7.  Helpful  Overwhelmingly, women love that their husband helps out both around the house and with the kids.  It doesn't matter how your dad did it, you won't earn brownie points by shaking your tea glass at your wife in this day and age.  Get up and fill it yourself and fill hers up while you're at it.  Help get the kids put to bed.  Pick up the living room for her while she puts the kids to bed so she can relax in a clean room when she's done.

Just a side note here: For those of you men for whom sex is important, we women find it a lot easier to be "in the mood" when you do these things.  It's kind of tough to get worked up about a guy who sits on the recliner all night and ignores his wife while she cleans up supper, cleans up the kids and puts everybody to bed by herself.  Just something to think about.

8.  Honesty  Most of my friends agree that one of the things that drew them to their husband in the first place was his honesty.  This kind of goes hand in hand with integrity but it's an important distinction.  I'm not saying that you should say yes when your wife asks if her butt looks big in that dress.  That's just asking for a lesson in number five.  What we mean when we say honesty goes beyond the obvious sort of things like lying about where you've been, who you've been with and what you've been doing.  Honestly communicate with your wife. I have a friend who said, "Say what you mean and mean what you say."  We have to be able to count on your honesty. Be willing to talk things through when there are problems (and we all know there will be.)  I know this isn't always your first instincts. Some of you would rather just ignore it and hope it'll eventually go away.  Some guys get the communication gene naturally and some don't. If you didn't inherit that gene, it isn't an automatic "out" for you. Your marriage (and all relationships) will be much happier if you are willing to work on this.

9.  Generosity  This doesn't necessarily mean money.  If someone needs help, a good man is one of the first to step up.  He's always the guy helping people move and helping the neighbors replace the fence.  He's the guy that mows the grass at church and empties the trash can without being asked.


This is what I've come up with so far based on my own observations as well as the opinions of some of my friends.  What's your opinion?

Long Time No Write

It's been a really long time since I've carved a few minutes out of my day to write something.  I could say I've had a lot going on but how would that be different from any other time?  Who really doesn't have a lot going on, for Pete's sake?  The truth is, it just hasn't been a priority and that's sad because I really enjoy the process of writing.  I love words and how the right ones when put in just the right order work together to paint a picture in the mind.  It just makes my brain feel good to write a well-crafted sentence.  I think I might be a little OCD or something but I'm okay with it.

I've been dealing with a lot of junk that is rising to the surface in my life and I've been experiencing growth pains.  Just when I thought I was over my childhood need to please others in order to get approval, I find out that's not the case at all.  I might be better but I am in no way cured.  I've always admired my friends who just seemed to know who they were and didn't care what anybody else thought about them.  People called them rebels and troublemakers but I saw them as free.  They didn't bother to think about how other people were going to view them before they made a decision.  Granted, they had other problems but not that one.  As I've grown and worked at it, I'm better about just being me and even though I'm not always okay with the hurtful things that others might say and think about me, it doesn't drive my decisions like it used to.

The root of that drive was in the fear of rejection that I've struggled with my whole life.  My father deserted us before I was even born and even as a little kid it bothered me that before he even knew me, my father decided I wasn't worth it.  I was already displeasing before I even had a chance to try.  My step-father is a good man but I still always felt like I had to work harder for approval because I wasn't really his.  Not necessarily his fault but it was still there.  I always felt that I never really fit in to my family and wasn't really accepted because I was different.  I always like to read and write and play my piano.  I didn't see it as the epitome of a good time to fix fence and drive the tractor.

I didn't fit in in high school because I was weird.  I like to read and I enjoyed science and school just came easy to me.  I didn't enjoy drinking parties (and let's face it, what else is there to do in P-burg?) so I wasn't part of the in-crowd and they made fun of me for my weirdness.  I pretended not to care but it hurt a lot to be rejected day after day.  From my grown-up perspective, I know how threatened children are by someone who is different and many of them were probably just glad it wasn't them who was being teased on a daily basis.  Still it was just another layer that I added to the armor around my heart to avoid that rejection.  I stopped trying to make friends (outside of a very precious few that made life bearable) and just cocooned myself until I could leave.  I lived for the future and it never even occurred to me to live in the moment because the moment was hell.

Finally, I got to college and found a core of friends who liked me despite (and for a lot of them probably because) of my weirdness.  I guess we were all weird together and found value in each other that was outside of the clothes we wore and how much make-up I wore (or didn't wear.)  It was in that safe haven of accepting friends that I was able to begin that growth process of accepting myself for who I was and not on the basis of how many people liked me.

I can never be ________ enough to earn the right to be loved.  The bar will always increase and I will consistently fall short on somebody else's scale.  I might as well fall short just being me as trying and scrambling to be someone I'm not to earn approval.  Only on God's scale do I always measure up.  His scale is based on who He says I am and not on how skinny I am or pretty I am or how long or blond my hair is or how good I am or how smart I am.  It's not based on my bust-size or my butt-size or my dress size.  I am accepted and loved solely because when He sees me he doesn't see everything that's wrong with me.  He sees a beloved child, a beautiful bride. I am gradually working to accept that and live like I  believe it.

It's been a long road just to even get this far and it's always disappointing when I feel like I've gotten there only to have something happen that stirs up all those old hurts and fears again. I am reminded that life and growth are constant journeys with no actual destination in this world.  I will try to remember that when I'm tired of growth pains.