It's been a really long time since I've carved a few minutes out of my day to write something. I could say I've had a lot going on but how would that be different from any other time? Who really doesn't have a lot going on, for Pete's sake? The truth is, it just hasn't been a priority and that's sad because I really enjoy the process of writing. I love words and how the right ones when put in just the right order work together to paint a picture in the mind. It just makes my brain feel good to write a well-crafted sentence. I think I might be a little OCD or something but I'm okay with it.
I've been dealing with a lot of junk that is rising to the surface in my life and I've been experiencing growth pains. Just when I thought I was over my childhood need to please others in order to get approval, I find out that's not the case at all. I might be better but I am in no way cured. I've always admired my friends who just seemed to know who they were and didn't care what anybody else thought about them. People called them rebels and troublemakers but I saw them as free. They didn't bother to think about how other people were going to view them before they made a decision. Granted, they had other problems but not that one. As I've grown and worked at it, I'm better about just being me and even though I'm not always okay with the hurtful things that others might say and think about me, it doesn't drive my decisions like it used to.
The root of that drive was in the fear of rejection that I've struggled with my whole life. My father deserted us before I was even born and even as a little kid it bothered me that before he even knew me, my father decided I wasn't worth it. I was already displeasing before I even had a chance to try. My step-father is a good man but I still always felt like I had to work harder for approval because I wasn't really his. Not necessarily his fault but it was still there. I always felt that I never really fit in to my family and wasn't really accepted because I was different. I always like to read and write and play my piano. I didn't see it as the epitome of a good time to fix fence and drive the tractor.
I didn't fit in in high school because I was weird. I like to read and I enjoyed science and school just came easy to me. I didn't enjoy drinking parties (and let's face it, what else is there to do in P-burg?) so I wasn't part of the in-crowd and they made fun of me for my weirdness. I pretended not to care but it hurt a lot to be rejected day after day. From my grown-up perspective, I know how threatened children are by someone who is different and many of them were probably just glad it wasn't them who was being teased on a daily basis. Still it was just another layer that I added to the armor around my heart to avoid that rejection. I stopped trying to make friends (outside of a very precious few that made life bearable) and just cocooned myself until I could leave. I lived for the future and it never even occurred to me to live in the moment because the moment was hell.
Finally, I got to college and found a core of friends who liked me despite (and for a lot of them probably because) of my weirdness. I guess we were all weird together and found value in each other that was outside of the clothes we wore and how much make-up I wore (or didn't wear.) It was in that safe haven of accepting friends that I was able to begin that growth process of accepting myself for who I was and not on the basis of how many people liked me.
I can never be ________ enough to earn the right to be loved. The bar will always increase and I will consistently fall short on somebody else's scale. I might as well fall short just being me as trying and scrambling to be someone I'm not to earn approval. Only on God's scale do I always measure up. His scale is based on who He says I am and not on how skinny I am or pretty I am or how long or blond my hair is or how good I am or how smart I am. It's not based on my bust-size or my butt-size or my dress size. I am accepted and loved solely because when He sees me he doesn't see everything that's wrong with me. He sees a beloved child, a beautiful bride. I am gradually working to accept that and live like I believe it.
It's been a long road just to even get this far and it's always disappointing when I feel like I've gotten there only to have something happen that stirs up all those old hurts and fears again. I am reminded that life and growth are constant journeys with no actual destination in this world. I will try to remember that when I'm tired of growth pains.
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