Me, Myself and I

I had to leave my son at Kindergarten for the first time yesterday.  It was difficult because he's my first-born and I feel like I just haven't had enough time with him.  I wasn't the only one.  I happened to know another mom who was dropping off her son for the first day as well.  This is her only child so she was experiencing everything I was times three.  She was trying valiantly not to cry because she didn't want to upset her son.  Her red eyes were a little more watery that they probably should have been but she was doing pretty well, I thought.  Her husband was being VERY insensitive to how emotional this was for her making comments like, "Oh Audrey, honestly!" in a tone that pretty much said "Just suck it up and get over it."  I'm working on having grace for others so I was able to restrain myself from clocking him in the face but I still felt bad for her.

I retold this story to a friend of mine this morning and she shared that she's working on overcoming fears that have followed her throughout her life.  She said that she would have felt sorry for that lady but her fears would have kept her from knowing what to do to help.  It came to me right then and there that I was unable to help, not because I was afraid, but because I'm selfish.  There.  I said it.  I'm selfish.  Self-centered, ego-centric, thoughtless, insensitive, you name it; that's me.  

I never saw it that way before.  Maybe I never wanted to.  Here's the thing: I'm not being what I always considered selfish.  I saw that grieving mom's plight and thought, "Oh.  Poor lady."  (In Texan that would be, "Awwwwweeee.  Bless her heart."  The word "heart" would be two syllables.)  In hindsight I should have asked her out for coffee or something just to give her a chance to talk to someone who would understand where she's coming from but I didn't.  Not because I thought about it and purposefully decided to go do my own thing, but because it never even occurred to me .  Lots of things never occur to me because I'm too busy dealing with my own crap. 

You see, I always thought that selfishness was choosing to think of yourself when others needed you more.  In my case, it's not a choice.  It's a habit.  My selfishness has become something that I just fall into without even trying or making a conscious decision.  I know for a fact that mom dropping her only child off at Kindergarten yesterday needed me a lot more than I needed to go spend money at IKEA.  If I had invited her for coffee she probably would have said no but she would have at least known that someone saw her in her pain and cared.

I have become obsessed with personal growth and becoming a better person that my kids can look up to and I have completely forgotten to love the people around me.  That's not true.  I haven't forgotten.  I just don't do it as much as I would like. How many times has someone needed me and I simply breezed on past them without even giving them a thought because I was so caught up in what I was doing at the moment?

The hard part is that I knew she was suffering and it never occurred to me to do anything about it.  Even when Jesus was mourning the horrific and senseless death of John the Baptist he had compassion for the crowds around him and fed them.  I think that maybe the issue here is not so much a lack of seeing as a lack of compulsion to do anything.   I think that's my problem more than anything else.  Most of the time I see others' pain and my heart is moved but not usually enough to do anything about it.  I think I often don't believe that anything I can do would be effectual anyway.

I guess that's my next project.  Realizing that I do have the power to do something to help; even if it's just inviting someone out for coffee and making a conscious effort to actually follow through.