From the Other Side of the Desert

Man.  We sure do our best to screw up our kids, don't we?  I recently read a post made by someone in an alumni group for the "small private religious college" that I went to.  She referenced how afraid she was in her childhood because of the ... pardon my French here but I can describe it no other way... complete and utter bullshit that was crammed down our throats by the cult in which I was raised.  There was just enough truth thrown in to make you think it was real but it was absolute shite intended to gain wealth, power and God knows what else. 


I had similar experiences.  She referenced crying at school because she was afraid that she wouldn't be "chosen" like the rest of her family and she would be left alone to fend for herself when the rapture came.  She was in 2nd grade.  I never cried in public but I had the same fears of not be good enough and therefore not worthy of salvation.  I remember being threatened with "the lake of fire" when I was bad.  Apparently, I was headed right to it.  I used to pray that I would die in a long fall so I'd have time to repent before the end came so I wouldn't end up in Hades.  (We weren't allowed to say Hell.  How's that for hypocritical?) God was vengeful and angry and I was probably the one who made him mad more than most because I was such a bad little 8-year-old.
I could spend days listing all of the legalistic crap that was required of us to be a member in good standing but I won't.  Believe it or not, it wasn't all bad.  Because of the down right crazy nature of the religion I was in and some unspoken rule about not having good friends outside of "the church," we tended to bond rather closely with the other people in our church.  I know this is a symptom of cults that outside influences are discouraged because they might actually wake you up from your kool-aid drinking tendencies.  Still, it created a lovely sense of community that I still miss greatly to this day. 
I made many life-long friends, some of whom I haven't seen for years,  who were closer than a brother. Not everyone's experiences were as bad as mine and some were WAY worse and not everyone has dealt with it in entirely healthy ways. Most of them no longer believe the way that we used to and all of us have spent years working through all of the baggage that came with our upbringing but we have, in even small ways, had each other to lean on through it.  However bad it may have been, I wouldn't give up the friendships I made through that experience for anything.
These experiences also created in me some pretty loud legalism alarms in my head.  Mankind seems to naturally gravitate to rules.  It's what we know.  It's orderly and makes sense to our flesh.  It makes it easy to separate the "good" from the "bad." Rules are much easier than grace.  Rules don't require love.  Modern Christianity is RIFE with legalism.  We have separate sects of Christianity because we can't agree on what to be legalistic about.  My early experiences have really caused me to search for the "basics."  I resolve to know nothing more than Jesus Christ and Him crucified. That has become my Truth.  I'm not saved by my works or condemned by my sin.  Jesus's sacrifice on the cross has made me unpunishable.  With the fear of ultimate punishment that I and everyone around me grew up in, I cannot convey to you how freeing it is to be told that.  Freeing isn't even a good word for it.  It's not strong enough but I can't find a better one.
So what's my point?  I guess it's this. I wouldn't wish that upbringing on my kids.  However, I can't regret it.  I fully believe that my experiences will prove useful. "If I can survive that, I can survive anything" is my mentality, I guess.  Plus, I'll probably meet someone along the way who will benefit from some knowledge of someone who has been in that circumstance and lived to tell about it.  There's no benefit to living with bitterness and allowing it to poison the rest of my life.  Was what was done to us wrong?  Absolutely!  However, I refuse to allow the men responsible any more place in my life than they've already taken.  Forgiveness has been released for my sake and for the sake of my children because I needed to get past it so I could grow.  Time to move on.