We have a funeral tomorrow. My step-father-in-law's step-father died. I know. That's a lot of hyphens. That's enough hyphens that he probably doesn't even count as family by most measures. However, family is who you spend holidays with and care about so no matter now many hyphens were needed to introduce him, Jess was family. So tomorrow we are going to put on appropriately somber clothes and sit in the funeral and get teary and listen to a lot of people say a lot of really nice things about a very good man that none of us said to him when he was still alive when it really would have mattered.
None of us had the vulnerable heart to sit on the couch beside Jess and hold his hand and look him in the eye and say "Jess, you are the best man I know. I aspire to be a Christian like you. You epitomize the love of Christ to me. Your soul is solid gold, Jess. You are the kind of man I hope my daughter marries. We are blessed to have you in our family." None of us did that because it just isn't done. We are not raised to be vulnerable like that until its a funeral and they can't hear us anymore.
The thing is, I can see Jess saying something like that to someone. Maybe that's what made us love him so much, Like Jesus, he never seemed to feel that having a vulnerable heart made him weak. On the contrary, he was a very strong man. He was a powerful man who empowered others.
So I am reminded yet again to say what needs to be said now rather than later and this shell that I hold around my heart isn't really protecting me. It's making me lose out on what really matters while it matters. Lord, teach me to have a vulnerable heart.
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