How clearly do we actually see ourselves? I know I don't see myself clearly but then I deceive myself into thinking that I see clearly because I know I don't see clearly, you know?
I asked my husband tonight if he felt like he couldn't talk to me about things even though I already knew that I'm the easiest person in the world to talk to because I'm so down-to-earth and level-headed. I found out something that he hadn't told me and I was hurt about it. It really wasn't anything big like cheating or anything but it hurt that I was the last to know and I felt that, as his wife, I should have been the first. He responded to my query with "Well, about things like this, yeah because I knew you'd be all mad and stuff." (He teaches high school so he tends to talk like a teenager, sometimes.)
I don't understand this approach. This was something I was bound to find out about eventually and was really no big deal so why would you just postpone the inevitable and make it worse in the long run? Now instead of being merely irritated, I'm mad and hurt to boot. And, while we're on the subject of me being mad, my husband is one of the most forceful personalities I know so since when does he care about me being mad? Me at my maddest is like a walk in the park compared to his temper. He would disagree but he doesn't see himself as clearly as I do.
It turns out that he doesn't see me in quite the same level-headed light that I see myself. I'm not one of those people who holds a grudge and makes you suffer for a week or twelve when you make me mad. I'm kind of a lazy person and most of the time I find by the end of about two hours that holding a grudge just takes too much energy. Could my husband really be that intimidated by my marginal irritation? Is it just possible my irritation would have jumped the ditch from marginal to pissed off? Probably.
So here's the dilemma: How do I make myself more approachable because I don't want to ever again be in a situation where half of Dallas County (slight exaggeration here) knows about some decision my husband has made before I do? Still, if he makes a decision that I disagree with or that I feel is not in the best interests of our family, I'm not just going to be a doormat and not express an opinion on the subject. If I'm hurt by something, those feelings are real and denying that they exist would be swinging the pendulum too far the other way and counterproductive.
I'm convinced it's all in the approach. I just don't know for sure what that approach is yet.
This is tough. When my supervisor first met me, she was convinced that I was such a quiet person. I laughed and asked her if I could put my friends on the phone to hear her because they weren't going to believe that I was quiet! She's since learned the error of her thinking! But it's taught me that people don't always see us the way we see ourselves.
ReplyDeleteI had a girlfriend one time who knew me way back when--even before you knew me, D! Back then I was idealistic, judgmental, hot tempered, etc. Over the years I've mellowed out. I'm none of the things that I used to be (except I'm still feisty!). In fact, I think I've turned out quite nicely. LOL But the problem with our friendship is that she hadn't realized I'd changed. She kept throwing my past in my face all of the time. It caused a huge problem.
I don't know what the answer is for you and your husband. Other than to remain completely calm and not get upset. Try saying something like, "I appreciate you telling me this. I would really like it if you could give me a head's up sooner?" Or possibly ask him to discuss things with you first? I'm the last one to be giving relationship advice, however I have learned a lot of things along the way!