Yesterday at church, there were a few couples who stood at the front and talked about what had made their marriage successful after 12 years, 23 years, 25 years, 35 years, etc. All of them mentioned that if you are not right with God and you don't pray together daily, your relationship with your mate is going to be at odds and you won't have a good marriage. (I'm paraphrasing a little but it's my blog so live with it.) I guess you can't expect otherwise being as we were in church but I've gotta say I was a little hurt. (If one of you is reading this, please don't feel like this is condemnation on you, I just have to get this out there.)
I understand what they are saying and I can agree with it up to a point but for me, personally, there are difficulties as my husband doesn't consider himself a Christian and is kind of mad at God and rebelling right now. However, my marriage is NOT somehow on the last swirl before the final flush. All things considered, we have a fairly decent marriage. Neither of us is sleeping with someone else on business trips to Poughkeepsie or during our lunch hour. We don't have knock-down drag-out fights where we call each other horrible names and throw things. We don't go for days on end with strained and stressful silence filling our house as we give each other the cold shoulder. Would I like for my husband to start attending church with me and take his spiritual place in our family? Absolutely. Are we going to get a divorce if he doesn't? Nope.
My husband may not call himself a Christian but he's a good man. I am so proud of the man I married. Does he drive me abso-stinkin-lutely insane sometimes? You betcha. But, he's a great father, a loving husband and he cares about the people and the world around him. He's an AMAZING mentor for teens that have some home lives that would make your hair curl. My husband is their safe place where they know they will be accepted for who they are right now and encouraged to become who they COULD be. My husband is awesome.
Still, for a few moments in church yesterday, I got a little depressed listening to couple after couple talk about how necessary it was for both parties to be seeking after God. While I'm sure it makes things easier it's not an absolute for everybody. We don't all have that situation so where does that leave the rest of us? Once I pulled myself out of the "poor little me" mud, I realized that you take what you've got when you've got it and you trudge on with a pretty darn good marriage.
I'll try and e-mail ya. This is an interesting one to grapple with. Just trust me that you are ROCKIN' IT!
ReplyDeleteI am in the same boat at least in a general sense - my husband also doesn't consider himself a Christian and nothing turns him away faster than ANYBODY pushing him in that direction.
ReplyDeleteIt would be nice to share church, and faith, and the resulting hope from that with him - and there's not a doubt in my mind that it would make some things easier. But if missing out on that is the price I have to pay to be married to the wonderful, beautiful, amazing man who God brought me together with than I'm OK with that.
I tell you, that kind of talk is also a HUGE turnoff for Singles. It sends the message that if you can't find someone who'll love you who is a Christian, you won't find anyone. As someone who has sat through those kind of messages at various churches, with the other push that if you are Single you aren't as spiritually advanced as these others are.
ReplyDeleteAlso, just saying you pray together every day is nice. However, it doesn't mean that both of you are going to remain at the same spiritual place for all of those years. Spending time crowing publicly about praying together every day isn't helping.
What I believe few churches actually get is the fact that your spirituality is all about your relationship with Christ. Why do we believe that everyone must have an identical relationship with Christ when we all have very different relationships with each other? Each person is individual and that fact alone is going to mean that each individual person is going to have a very very individual relationship with their Creator.
I think if Christianity as a whole really understood that, we'd all be better off.
Growing up in the church that I (we) grew up in, I saw plenty of marriages stay rock-solid year after year despite the fact that one of the spouses did not attend church. I also saw other couples that went to church together faithfully for years divorce. What's right for one couple, isn't always right for another. You go girl!
ReplyDeleteOK, I'll spare the e-mail and say, see, look at what your friends are telling you....
ReplyDeleteSara - I hear what you're saying. I've thought about that when there are church services like that. I've always sat there and thought, "How would I feel if I were single right now?" I don't ever hear sermons for single people where they expect the marrieds to just get what they can out of it and ignore the rest.
ReplyDeleteMel- I totally know what you mean about him running the other way when he's pushed. I don't think anybody can be pushed into a relationship with God. It has to be there choice or it doesn't mean anything, right?
Bontrager- You are totally right! (enjoy it, I won't say that often. he he) I, too, have seen some marriages in church that had some pretty nasty hidden surprises so while I'm sure it makes a lot of things easier for some marriages, it's no guarantee.
Jacob-You are so good for my peace of mind! I'm glad we get to still talk even though it's only over facebook! :)
THEIR choice. THEIR choice. I don't know why I keep doing that. Stinking homophones.
ReplyDeleteDefinitly agree with Sara!
ReplyDeleteThe good book says the marriage (therefore spouse and children) are sancified by the believing partner so are in a much better place than others. You can't reduce relationships to a few trite formulas, even if it is praying! Oh and is that a quick help before you go out the door (which we are lucky to get with Kids and a life) or at least 15 mins on your knees? I think we left that behind a long time ago...