So, I'm not sure why, but I've been thinking about guilt today. I would appreciate your input on this one. What is it that causes us to feel guilt (or lack thereof?) I'm not talking about feeling true conviction when you've done something that wronged another (although, that's a blog for another day.) I'm talking about feeling guilt that drags you down and hobbles you. Is it something innate or is it learned?
Here's my thing: if it's learned, how do I avoid teaching it to my children? I was raised in a very legalistic cult that basically drummed guilt into my head with every sermon. There's no mystery that my guilt complex is a product of legalistic crap. However, I've had friends who weren't raised in cults. They had a pretty normal (is there really any such thing?) childhood and they still struggle with guilt. So, were they taught guilt in some subtle way? Perhaps our parents fell back on the old guilt complex to keep us in line.
But, now that I'm more sensitive to it, I'm seeing it everywhere. We see it on TV and in books and in our everyday jargon. "You should be ashamed of yourself." What we really mean is that we hope they are somehow going to change their ways and not do that again. We don't really want them to be ashamed of themselves as a person. When we really think about what that means, it's a horrible thing to say that most of us wouldn't if we thought about it first. So how do I teach my children to have grace for themselves and not follow in my guilt-ridden footsteps?
My personal opinion is that I need to get my crap together and start living it for them to see. They can hear me talk about grace all day long but it's not going to mean anything to them unless they see it walked out in my life every day (or most days when my crap's together.)
I think we all have to feel guilty about the wrong things, even things we shouldn't feel guilty about, as part of the growth process.
ReplyDeleteYou may model unwarranted guilt, but since you are keenly aware of this I believe as time goes on you will also model the way to forgive yourself.
If you look at it and teach it as a way to forgiveness, then even when you use it to beat yourself up, they will also learn that it can ultimately be used as a way to learn to forgive others starting with themselves.
And, you can also be assured that they're not being heaped upon with guilt and self-loathing by a cult church making them feel like they can't ever possibly have a road to salvation because they can't ever do enough to please God.
That alone gives them a huge advantage that you didn't have. And, it should help you realize that you can forgive yourself for having to work through layers of that guilt.
You pose a very thought provoking question. So, I thought about the words of Jesus, and I cannot seem to recall ( please anyone feel free to correct me ) one time where He said to go and feel guilt. However, I will say I think it is a very complex subject. Here is why. I know from my own experience that sometime the still voice of the Holy Spirit will whisper something that needs to be addressed and I will either one to it and seek change, or sometimes when I don't really want change I ignore it. Then comes the guilt and shame. That fast. Yet, both of which are non productive things, they do not produce long term change only quick fixes. If we implement change out of guilt and shame, it will not last, only when we are motivated to change out of love and forgiveness will real change come. Nice thoughts to ponder...
ReplyDeleteI had me a ex-catholic momma who taught me the joys of guilt. Thanks mom! It's my experience that guilt & shame go together because one is the fruit of the other. You start thinking guilty thoughts and become ashamed, then the more ashamed you become, the more guilt pipes in with all of your other deficiencies. They're like two lil demon twins who sit on each of your shoulders whispering in your ears and feeding off of each other.
ReplyDeleteI have found that you can recognize guilt and condemnation in your thoughts through recognizing the emotion of shame. When you are ashamed (not a fruit from God because it brings about condemnation not conviction) you can know that your thought patterns are not gracious but full of guilt.
I would use that as an indicator with others, especially your children. If your words, attitudes, actions, bring about shame in your children, then guilt and condemnation (and often religion and legalism) are present.
I think you kinda answered your own question Di. As you've pressed in to knowing God, He's shown you where you walk in guilt and shame. Now you are aware of it and are continuously bringing it to God when you see it, right? As you learn to give yourself God's grace in your thoughts, you will pattern that as example and in words to your children. Not by any intentional effort on your part to do right, but because that process has been lived out in your spirit and become a real part of you.
I don't really know where I got my guilt habit. I know my mom made me feel guilty but I don't really know that it was her doing. She is a nagger, not really a guilt trip per say. However her nagging made me feel guilty. I just know that I am a really lazy person. I tell myself, "Get up and do laundry." I say back to myself, "Later." Suddenly I have a pile as tall as me and I feel guilty.
ReplyDeleteI grew up in the church. Not a church that preaches hellfire and brimstone. The methodist church doesn't practice condemnation. Yet, I feel guilty. I don't pray enough. I don't read the Bible enough. etc. Guilt piled upon guilt.
In my case, I believe it is intrinsic.
I'm not much help, am I? I feel guilty for ranting and not helping you. Let me know if you find some answers. I don't want my boy to suffer from it as I have.
I think it's something that we have to consciously work at every day, just like any other habit.
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