Head Shake

I'm so disappointed in our society right now.  Kadhafi is paying foreign mercenaries to murder his own people in the streets.  Libyan fighter pilots are defecting to Malta to avoid having to become a part of the slaughter.  Police and military personnel are laying down their arms and, in some cases, actually joining the protesters.  These people are laying their lives on the line to gain freedom for their country.  The news gave a short blurb about all of this. What's our big news story?  Gas prices are going up as a result of the "unrest" in the middle east.

What is wrong with us?  Really?!  Personally, I don't think I would have the guts to stand up to a cruel dictator who could not only kill me but my entire extended family and know that he would have no repercussions whatsoever.  Bravery doesn't even begin to describe what these people are doing right now.  "Ballsy" comes a little bit closer.  The name of their country means freedom and they're fighting to make that a reality.  I love it.

Are we celebrating that?  Finding a way to support them in their cause?  Calling in the UN to protect these people from the cruel man they are protesting against?  Nope.  We're worried because our gasoline might go up a few cents per gallon this week.

I wonder what went up in price during the American revolution?  Probably cotton. The funny thing is, the American revolution wasn't because they were being tortured and their families didn't disappear in the night because they said something against Crazy George.  No, they were mad because he had impacted their pocket-book.  I guess some things never change.

NOT doomed to failure

Yesterday at church, there were a few couples who stood at the front and talked about what had made their marriage successful after 12 years, 23 years, 25 years, 35 years, etc.  All of them mentioned that if you are not right with God and you don't pray together daily, your relationship with your mate is going to be at odds and you won't have a good marriage.  (I'm paraphrasing a little but it's my blog so live with it.)  I guess you can't expect otherwise being as we were in church but I've gotta say I was a little hurt. (If one of you is reading this, please don't feel like this is condemnation on you, I just have to get this out there.)

I understand what they are saying and I can agree with it up to a point but for me, personally, there are difficulties as my husband doesn't consider himself a Christian and is kind of mad at God and rebelling right now. However, my marriage is NOT somehow on the last swirl before the final flush.  All things considered, we have a fairly decent marriage.  Neither of us is sleeping with someone else on business trips to Poughkeepsie or during our lunch hour.  We don't have knock-down drag-out fights where we call each other horrible names and throw things. We don't go for days on end with strained and stressful silence filling our house as we give each other the cold shoulder. Would I like for my husband to start attending church with me and take his spiritual place in our family?  Absolutely.  Are we going to get a divorce if he doesn't?  Nope.

My husband may not call himself a Christian but he's a good man.  I am so proud of the man I married.  Does he drive me abso-stinkin-lutely insane sometimes?  You betcha.  But, he's a great father, a loving husband and he cares about the people and the world around him.  He's an AMAZING mentor for teens that have some home lives that would make your hair curl.  My husband is their safe place where they know they will be accepted for who they are right now and encouraged to become who they COULD be.  My husband is awesome.

Still, for a few moments in church yesterday, I got a little depressed listening to couple after couple talk about how necessary it was for both parties to be seeking after God.  While I'm sure it makes things easier it's not an absolute for everybody.  We don't all have that situation so where does that leave the rest of us?  Once I pulled myself out of the "poor little me" mud, I realized that you take what you've got when you've got it and you trudge on with a pretty darn good marriage.

A Little Guilt Goes a Long Way

So, I'm not sure why, but I've been thinking about guilt today.  I would appreciate your input on this one.  What is it that causes us to feel guilt (or lack thereof?)  I'm not talking about feeling true conviction when you've done something that wronged another (although, that's a blog for another day.) I'm talking about feeling guilt that drags you down and hobbles you. Is it something innate or is it learned?

Here's my thing: if it's learned, how do I avoid teaching it to my children? I was raised in a very legalistic cult that basically drummed guilt into my head with every sermon.  There's no mystery that my guilt complex is a product of legalistic crap.  However, I've had friends who weren't raised in cults.  They had a pretty normal (is there really any such thing?) childhood and they still struggle with guilt.  So, were they taught guilt in some subtle way? Perhaps our parents fell back on the old guilt complex to keep us in line.

But, now that I'm more sensitive to it, I'm seeing it everywhere.  We see it on TV and in books and in our everyday jargon.  "You should be ashamed of yourself."  What we really mean is that we hope they are somehow going to change their ways and not do that again.  We don't really want them to be ashamed of themselves as a person.  When we really think about what that means, it's a horrible thing to say that most of us wouldn't if we thought about it first.  So how do I teach my children to have grace for themselves and not follow in my guilt-ridden footsteps?

My personal opinion is that I need to get my crap together and start living it for them to see.  They can hear me talk about grace all day long but it's not going to mean anything to them unless they see it walked out in my life every day (or most days when my crap's together.)

Bad...

So my husband and I had a fight today.  Not a knock-down-drag-out yelling-at-each-other-and-throwing-things fight but it was a definite argument.  It all boiled down to his usual irritation with my inability to keep a museum-clean house.  He fell short of accusing me of being a bad wife and mother but it was implied.  He did come right out and admit that he thinks I sit at home and do nothing all day or the house would be cleaner.  Apparently he's been waiting for me to shape up for our entire marriage.  He "let" me be a stay-at-home-mom and now I haven't come through with what he views as my end of the bargain.  When I protested that there's a lot to do as a stay-at-home-mom, he retorted that this is what I asked for when I wanted to stay home.  At that point I shut up because I just didn't know what to say.

At first I was very offended and upset.  Now, I've realized that he was partially justified.  He's absolutely right.  I don't keep a clean house and if that's his definition of a good wife, then he's getting shortchanged. He's also right that he's been asking for this since we got married and I haven't been able to deliver.  For my husband, I'm not a good wife and, by extension, not a good mother and I don't know how to change it.  My husband is unhappy in our marriage and I know it and still can't seem to make myself a better housekeeper.  Maybe a good start would be to get off of here and go clean my kitchen.

So Mad

I'm so angry right now I'm shaking and I don't know what to do.  Usually, I would talk to one of my friends who are pretty good at calming me down but it's Christmas eve and people will be spending that time with their families and they don't need to be brought down by my spewed bad mood.  Christmas eve.  There's the rub.  I had these expectations that we would be this happy family instead of the farce of an excuse for a family that we usually are.

My husband loves to play cards and he goes to this particular card shop.  Lately I've been getting more and more frustrated with this hobby as it's two nights a week (at least) that he does this.  Cards are starting to feel increasingly like the "other woman."  Attempts to communicate this to said husband have been met with a shrug at best.

This card shop has been planning some sort of tournament on Christmas eve for some time.  My husband told me that he chuckled when it was announced and told his friends that cards on Christmas eve was either for losers with no family or men who want a divorce.  ha ha.  Very funny.  Guess where my husband is.

He broached the subject earlier today with "How 'bout if I take Conner out for a while and get him out of your hair?"  Blatant manipulation if I've ever heard it. Conner was nowhere near my hair.  I said something like "What are you talking about?"  He then admitted that he'd go to the card shop and take Conner with him.  I responded with, "Seriously? You're going to leave your family on Christmas eve?"  He sulked for the rest of the day because I was laying guilt trips.

He left a few hours later to go to the bank and he's still gone.  aaaarrrrgh!

Defender of the Week

So we're playing word games this morning.

Conner had his last soccer game of the season last night. The entire season he scored exactly zero goals. Not one. My heart broke for him because I want my son to feel accomplished and successful. Then, I realized that my son really enjoyed his last game because he found his niche. His forte. His modus operandi. He was the Defender of the Week.

All season long he's been focusing on trying to make a goal because that's the stuff people cheer for. And who can blame him? We all want to be the one with the sexy job. We want to be the receiver making the cool touchdown in the end zone. We want to be the cop who saves the people who are being robbed. We want to be the fireman who rescues the toddler from a burning house. No one cheers for the front line that protected the quarterback so he could make that beautiful pass that was caught in the end-zone. We don't see the dispatcher that took the 911 call that got the cop to that robbery and the fireman to the burning house.

All season my son has been much bigger than the most of the kids on his team (or any of the other teams for that matter.) He's not as fast or as agile as the other kids he's played with. He was the moose to their antelope. This last game, he did a lot of getting in the way. Our coach was the referee for the game (that's how we roll when it's 4-year-olds.) He laughed after the game and said the other team tried several times to push him out of the way with their bodies and just bounced right off. When everybody got tied up in a scrum in the middle of the field, Conner would just wade right into the middle and kick the ball out to one of the superstar strikers who got about 15,000 goals this season. When a member of the other team was going to try to steal the ball from one of our guys, Conner just stood in his path and, of course, the kid just bounced right off. He raced around the field just looking for somebody to frustrate. And he had an absolute blast. He got a couple of yellow cards in the process but who's counting? As one of the parents said, "It's not holding unless the ref calls it." Just call him "Moose McBride."

I guess the lesson here is "play to your strengths." The front line of the offense may not get the cheers but they still get an NFL-sized paycheck. Not bad. Not bad at all.

Defender of the Weak

Man! I have so much racing through my head right now I'm afraid I won't be able to type it fast enough before it leaves. I woke up at 4 am (thank you, 5-month-old) and couldn't get back to sleep. I started thinking about how God is the Defender of the Weak. I sort of had an "Awwww. Isn't that sweet?" moment thinking about how He takes care of all those weak people out there. "Itn't that special?" (Insert Dana Carvey reference here.)

Then I sort of got hit between the eyes with the fact that sometimes I'm "the weak." ugh. I hate thinking of myself as weak. I'm the self-sufficient one. Toilet guts need to be replaced and sprinkler system repaired? I'm your girl. You need to store up enough food in the freezer to feed Cox's Army? Call on me. New chocolate chip cookie recipe and made up pumpkin cranberry bread? I can do that. You want a new bookcase, tile in the kitchen and new concrete counter-tops? Sure. I can do that. Probably. Just because I've never done it doesn't mean I can't.

But.... Sometimes I've been cheated and cheated on. I've been betrayed and lied to. I've been stolen from and wrongfully accused. Someone who for one reason or another had power over me decided to use that power to their advantage and my disadvantage. I was the weak.

So what God was dealing with in me this morning when my mind was racing at 4:30 AM was the fact that when I do not choose (it's a choice not a feeling) to forgive the guilty party in those situations, it's because pride has risen up in me. I would rather be angry and bitter about those things than admit that I was weak. Ouch.

Then I had to get past that point to the fact that when I can't admit that I'm weak it's because I don't trust God to be my defender. Double ouch.

Thankfully there were no more points. I think that's enough for us to deal with for the next few weeks. Or years....